We're fast approaching the end of the year, a time of reflection and resolution. As such I find myself reflecting heavily on the past twelve months. I'm noticing that out of say the last five years of my life, this past one has been the least progressive. I have not by any stretch had a bad year, it's been pretty great, the problem has been the lack of personal growth on my part. I am the exact same person right now as I was twelve months ago, the difference being last year I was in school and actually had something to look forward to. I find now though that everything I was holding out on has come and past and fell by the wayside, and I've got nothing to show for anything.
I have nothing against hanging out and going to shows, but I'm worried that those two things, coupled with a series of dead end jobs are going to become my entire life. I'm already entirely sick of being broke and hungry and worried, and don't think I can take it for much longer. No matter how frugal and cheap I behave, I still manage to just barely scrape by paycheck to paycheck, I feel just about as low as I ever have. I'm sure there is more to life than what I'm doing, but I haven't found it yet.
The worst part of all of this is that I know it's entirely my fault, I have no ambition or drive whatsoever, I'm perfectly comfortable leaving bad enough alone. I feel better being miserable and comfortable than I do being happy and new to something.
New things scare me, routine routine routine.
Ultimately this boils down to my single biggest regret of my young adult life: dropping out of school. I'd be into my third year of a bachelor's degree if I hadn't jumped ship, instead I'm working a shit lousy retail job and staying in bed whenever I don't have to be there. That one poor choice has left me completely unemployable. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Idiot.
Less "Wild Night" Memories
12 years ago
2 comments:
Ambition is good but don't forget that you're good the way you are.
You'd probably be doing the same if you stayed with your Bach degree. Remember it's also considered "entry level" now, so don't fret. There are many many people in the same boat as you. I'd be in third year of NSCAD right now but I'd still be miserable. No one has to finish school right away - and hey, you already have one piece of paper under your belt while many others are just barely through theirs. Chin up.
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