I'm at my parent's house in Cole Harbour right, it was my sister's birthday today and I decided to couch it for the night. Nights like these force introspection and when they come around I often find myself at my most rational. The past year has been heavy on my mind lately, it's nearing it's expiration and as a result everything from the 11 months leading up to the moment is pushing itself to the surface. I feel bad because this year has seen the least personal growth of any year of my life so far. This is of course entirely my fault. I have been lazy, apprehensive and generally just apathetic all year. I have not really cared enough about anything and I kind of just feel like shit during this homestretch.
I don't think I need to go back to school, I think I'm smart and capable enough to find something meaningful without it. At the same time though, nothing is really pushing me to exceed which is an issue.
I've become comfortable in my mediocrity, and that dear friends is what worries me most.
1. White Christmas - Bing Crosby 2. Angel In The Snow - Elliot Smith 3. Sixteen, Maybe Less - Iron And Wine 4. Baby It's Cold Outside - Tom Jones 5. When The Water Gets Col And Freezes On The Lake - Herman Dune 6. Last Christmas - Jimmy Eat World 7. In Dulci Jubilo - Mike Oldfield 8. Feliz Navidad - Boney M 9. Winter Wonderland - Peggy Lee 10. Santa Clause Is Coming To Town - Jackson 5 11. It's Christmas Time - Yo La Tengo 12. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - Ella Fitzgerald 13. Lo! How A Rose E'er Blooming - Sufjan Stevens 14. Every Day Should Be A Holiday - The Dandy Warhols 15. The Chipmunk Song - The Chipmunks
This is the first of 6 online "mixtapes" that I'll be sharing from now until Christmas. I like parallels. The tape starts and end on different versions of the same song, and also features a similar duality at the halfway point, enjoy please!
1. Silent Night - Sufjan Stevens 2. Hey Parker, It's Christmas - Ryan Adams 3. Father Christmas - The Kinks 4. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Jane McDonald 5. Oh Little Town of Bethlehem - Bright Eyes 6. I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday - Wizzard 7. Hark The Herald Angel Sing - Sufjan Stevens/The Vince Guaraldi Trio 8. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) - Death Cab For Cutie 9. Listening To Otis Redding At Home During Christmas - Okkervil River 10. Happy X-mas (War is Over) - Jon Lennon & Yoko Ono 11. Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy - David Bowie & Bing Crosby 12. Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer - Dean Martin 13. Let It Snow - Dean Martin 14. Silent Night - Sinead O' Connor
I've been dreaming a lot lately, dreaming of people from my past, these dreams are vivid and bizarre, but generally enjoyable. There are however, always going to be certain people from your past that you just wish would go away, whatever though, I can take it as it comes. The dream mainly involves a large house party, usually at Halloween, everyone I've ever known is there, there is a genuine sense of urgency always. I'm enjoying myself at the party, but it's never where I really want to be. I don't know what this means, but I wake up feeling all at once satisfied and restless.
I wish I had the resolve needed to force myself into things. I'm plagued by indecision and general resistance to change. I fear taking chances, save me please.
I wrote my two weeks notice for work, I haven't given it to anyone yet, but I have it written. I feel like that alone should be motivation enough for me to find a new job. I've also decided to move back home until September, I really just want to be able to save enough money to pay for school upfront and not have to worry about slipping into student loan territory. This will be weird, and at times probably difficult, but I'll get by fine I think.
I'm really eager for the winter to start, snow and all that jazz. As it stands, it's not supposed to even really get cold anytime soon, these mid-teen days have been bizarre.
Lastly, the parade of lights is the Saturday, this has traditionally been awesome, and I'm for sure looking forward to it.
On the right night with the right mood, I don't think anything gets me going like a good ghost story. They play so heavily on what we as a society have the least understanding of, death. Death hangs heavily over all of us, it's inescapable, it is the one thing that we all have in common. I know that a lot of people don't believe in ghosts, but I'm a pretty firm believer in them. For as long as I've remembered, I've always felt like there was more to the world than just what we can see.
My earliest experience with ghosts occurred when I was young, maybe two or three. There is a cemetery just outside Sydney where a lot of my mother's family is buried, including her father. On this particular day my mother had taken me with her to visit her father, my grandfather's, grave. As young children often do, I wandered away from my mother, walking through the cemetery and eventually stopping next to a tree. When my mother caught up with me and asked what I was doing, my response was "that lady said she was my grandmother."
Sure enough, I was standing adjacent to the grave of my great-great grandmother.
My younger brother had similar experiences around the same age, waving to graveyards as we passed them in the car, and saying hello to the "people he saw".
In my parents house in Cole Harbour we have all had similar experiences centering around a ghost in the house. My first time encountering this was late 2005. I was watching a movie on TV late one night, when the TV speakers started making that noise they do when cell phones are about to ring. Immediately I prepared myself to answer the soon-to-be-ringing phone, but alas, no ring was heard. Immediately there after, the MP3 player across the room from me turned itself on. The next morning I casually told my mother about the nigthts occurrences, her response was super creepy. It turned out that at the same time that night, the alarm clock in her room went off and had to be physically unplugged to turn off.
As the years passed in our sleepy suburban home, the ghost made itself more and more apparent. My mother has seen a person walking at night in the hallway between bedrooms, my father has noticed things moved out of place when nobody was around to move them, and most noticably, my sister and myself watched as our dining room table shook itself violently.
Ghosts are scary.
This is scary too
Dear readers, share your favorite ghost stories with me, I love this stuff!
We're fast approaching the end of the year, a time of reflection and resolution. As such I find myself reflecting heavily on the past twelve months. I'm noticing that out of say the last five years of my life, this past one has been the least progressive. I have not by any stretch had a bad year, it's been pretty great, the problem has been the lack of personal growth on my part. I am the exact same person right now as I was twelve months ago, the difference being last year I was in school and actually had something to look forward to. I find now though that everything I was holding out on has come and past and fell by the wayside, and I've got nothing to show for anything.
I have nothing against hanging out and going to shows, but I'm worried that those two things, coupled with a series of dead end jobs are going to become my entire life. I'm already entirely sick of being broke and hungry and worried, and don't think I can take it for much longer. No matter how frugal and cheap I behave, I still manage to just barely scrape by paycheck to paycheck, I feel just about as low as I ever have. I'm sure there is more to life than what I'm doing, but I haven't found it yet.
The worst part of all of this is that I know it's entirely my fault, I have no ambition or drive whatsoever, I'm perfectly comfortable leaving bad enough alone. I feel better being miserable and comfortable than I do being happy and new to something.
New things scare me, routine routine routine.
Ultimately this boils down to my single biggest regret of my young adult life: dropping out of school. I'd be into my third year of a bachelor's degree if I hadn't jumped ship, instead I'm working a shit lousy retail job and staying in bed whenever I don't have to be there. That one poor choice has left me completely unemployable. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
It's nearing the end of pop explosion, the most enjoyable, exhausting, crazy week of most years, this year being made extra special by the fact that it was preceded by seeing Bane twice (fuck). So far this week I've seen GZA come down from the stage and perform in the middle of a massive audience; I've watched sweaty Israeli dudes turn Agricola street into a circus; and I've been blown away by familiar faces (hey Horses, keep on keeping on). Tomorrow is the end, I'm going to try and make it to five different shows (ugh). My body hurts.
As a result of late and cold nights I'm on the hurtin' end of a pretty nasty cold, it's totally worth it though.
Big wet bottle in my fist, big wet rose in my teeth I'm perfect piece of ass Like every Californian So tall I take over the street, with highbeams shining on my back A wingspan unbelievable I'm a festival, I'm a parade
Watched Hocus Pocus with Ryan tonight, this was a good thing. I think it's a good start to the coming weeks. This weekend I'm going pumpkin picking in Mahone bay, a trip that promises to be full of fall colors and rural thrift stores.
Next week is packed from start to finish with amazing shows, Bane, Jay Reatard, The Inbreds, Brutal Knights, Islands, GZA, Horses and so on and so forth, oh god oh god, so excited. I'm glad this is a three pay month because I'm going to be broke as shit.
I think I realized that life is all how I take it, no use moping around feeling sorry for myself. I've got to take things as they come and try to make the best with what I'm handed.
Feeling good about life right now, keep on rocking planet earth.
2008 has been one big regret after another. I need to learn when and when not to keep my mouth shut.
This is to to be expected though, some things are bound to be.
I want to get into shape, not great shape, just some semblance of. If I could lose like 6-8lbs a month over the next few months I'd be doing pretty okay. I've been on this downward spiral of putting the absolute worst kind of crap into my body, and it really just needs to end. I'd rather not die fat and alone. Doughy and alone would be cool though.
Sometimes when I see traits in people that remind me of myself I react naturally by harboring resentment towards them. This is probably the worst thing I do. This reaction is most evident when dealing with people who are older than me. I see things in them that I fear will one day be a part of me. I've spent more time worrying about what I'm not going to be that I have trying to better myself.
I got a chair today, it rules, sitting rules,
I want to go pumpkin picking this weekend, get rural and what have you.
In light of the wayward oven, the normal festive meal was replaced by Swiss Chalet, this was not so much a disappointment, nor was it a pleasant surprise, it simply was. Spending time with my brother and sister makes me really homesick, anyone reading this who has lived with young kids knows how amazing it is to see them experience things for the first time.
We spent some time playing with my computer's camera and the corresponding software.
Those few hours chased away the blahs for sure.
On the drive home I noticed for the first time how early it's getting dark out, this happens every year but almost always knocks the wind out of my sails. The letdowns you can't escape always sting the most.
I had Thanksgiving last night with my friends, something I'd like to see become an annual event. It was a heartwarming little get together made whole by cheap wine and cheap laughs. The evening was rounded out with a screening of the Born to Run DVD, discussions of Brian Wilson and shirtless wonders. I'm driving to Cole Harbour right now, sitting square in the backseat of my grandparent's van. My parent's oven suffered a breakdown today, meaning no turkey. I had a dream last night that involved my mom getting hurt, I think it may have been a premonition, in regards to the broken oven.
It's getting colder now and darker, and awesomer. For the first time this season I had to force myself to get out of the shower, it's pretty cold in our house now. Fall is a different animal than the rest of the year, everything has an urgency to it, I think it's probably some sort of instinct forcing us to get things done with before winter, I don't really know though, I'm not a scientist.
There has been a guy playing jazz guitar in the evenings across the street from my work the last week or so, it's been pretty great. Something about walking around downtown at dusk with that kind of soundtrack backing you is radical.
My mother called to ask if I wanted to go on vacation with them in March, I said that my life was too up in the air to commit to it, so no. This was either the most or the least adult thing I've done so far, I just can't tell.
I just realized that there may actually be people who read this, an exciting development in my life as a "blogger", I am now self aware.
This weekend was awesome, I managed to get my room in tip top shape, everything is as it should be. I'm currently however on the lookout for a small comfy chair in which I can nestle in the corner...I'll come up with some pictures tomorrow.
We (myself, Robyn, Amir, Lindsay, Zane, Alex, Lachlan, Ryan, Kate, Kara, Trainor and Emily) also went to the Riverbreeze Hunted corn maze in Truro. It was pretty fun, super scary, but really deep down genuinely fun. There are long stretches of dark buildings and people chase you with chainsaws and it's super awesome. I don't have any real photos of it, but these will give you a pretty AWESOME idea of what it was like.
Next weekend is Thanksgiving, I'm having dinner at my apartment on Saturday, I'm very very excited and will be preparing some tasty treats for all to enjoy.
I've been thinking a lot about the changing of the seasons, it's easy to get preoccupied with things you have no control over. Fall is a false sense of security, it's a warm thought on a cold day. It's the first time you feel guilty for hogging the blankets, and the last time you felt sorry for sleeping alone. It's your first walk in that new jacket, lapels turned in, cuffs cuffed, zipped to the chin. It's the grays of the city blending with the grays of the sky. The days get shorter, yet somehow feel longer than they ever have. It's that old sinking feeling rising up through the sewer grates.
I went on a sweet little trip last weekend, spent a day in Montreal, saw Sigur Ros, bought some shoes, ate some junk food. On the way back I get stuck in St John for like four hours which was boring as hell, but whatever, Sigur Ros, no care about anything else ever.
Work has begun to completely dictate my life, which is really really depressing. Despite the amount I'm working I'm still not really making that much more money. I desperately need a better job right now.
At any rate, fall is here, fall rules, best season.
I want to go somewhere like that soon, somewhere rural where I can go for a red and orange walk through the woods.
Those cold September nights when the only company you've got is the rock stuck in the sole of your shoe. Despite everything your heart says your brain can't help but disagree. It's a hard road now, but things will pay off. You're just now starting to notice your breath contrasting with the sky, and the swirling mix of pain and pride is the only thing brighter than the moon. Press on, be still my friends, soon your cold feet and warm hearts will find their way home.
Often when asked how I'm doing, I respond with a languished "I'm doin'". I don't entirely know what I mean by that.
Things aren't bad right now, by all accounts they're good. I have a decent job making decent money, I see my friends more than I ever have, and I successfully pirate cable, an impressive daring and, if I may be so bold, admirable feat. However I find anguish in the things I'm lacking, whatever they may be. Despite the fact that I'm young and have literally my entire life ahead of me, I can't help but feel that I'm wasting my time on the day to day routine. In choosing to take this year off school I've really made my life devoid of any kind of constructive structure (constructre???). The ins and outs of the day to day have gotten me down. I find something really insulting about knowing every morning when I wake up to go to work that I have to do the same thing every morning for the rest of the week. I don't think this is my job's fault, the blame instead falls squarely on my hairy shoulders. My job is fun, it's relatively easy, and generally speaking I enjoy the company that comes along with it, the issue however lies in how the work relates to my personal satisfaction and general sense of worth. There is no way to spin my job and make it seem like what I'm doing is in any way constructive or useful, I'm just a cog in the retail machine, the ends that I justify has no positive impact on the general populace. I need to find work that is rewarding in both the monetary sense and the emotional/mental sense. I want to know that my day to day routine feeds into some higher more meaningful purpose.
Ultimately I feel that this is probably everyone's deepest desire in terms of work and working, and realistically nothing sets me apart or entitles me deserve more than anyone else...but a boy can hope right?
While we're here, lets go over some summer highlights in picture form.
THERE WERE LOTS OF THESE CRAZY FUCKED UP SHED SHOWS. ALEX TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF.
ALSO WE DID KARAOKE LIKE WOAH.
AND I WENT DANCING A FEW TIMES AND GOT DISGUSTING AND SWEATY AND RULED.
SOMEHOW I BECAME A COLLEGE GRADUATE, WHO'DA THUNK IT
I spent a few days in August in PEI with most of my favorite people, it was one of the best weekends I've ever had.
I remember the millennial shift pretty well, PRIME had just started running All In the Family reruns pretty often and were doing an all night marathon. My family gathered in our basement recroom, pots and pans in hand, to watch Archie Bunker spew ignorance, I think at some point we ordered Chinese food. At the time I wasn't too into Chinese food, and my mother, in her infinite wisdom had ordered me a sub sandwich from the local pizzeria. With the fear of Y2K looming over us, we patiently waited for Liz Rigney and the BT crew to declare the new year.
Right now I'm sitting at work on my last shift, my long long excruciating last shift. In a lot of ways, it's kind of like January 31st 1999, replace the sub sandwich with a pound of cashews and two litres of orange juice and the parallels are shocking... My year 2000 will be the wonderful world of unemployment, IE ten weeks asleep.
I leave in a few days for sunny Orlando Florida, it's either going to be totally awesome and the most fun ever, or just be terribly terribly stressful. If nothing else it'll be a great break from this god awful routine I've got myself stuck in. I'm hoping to find some new shoes.
That was how you write when you have nothing to say.
I'm not dwelling so much on specific events as I am on specific moods/feelings/ideas. Quitting my job was kind of the first big launch off to war for the week, and kinda set the tone for everything to follow. For the first time in my life, I'm completely unsure what's going to happen to me, I have just enough money put aside to pay my rent from now until June, after that I'm really really really hoping that the combination of education and nepotism come through for me. The idea of being unemployed is entirely fucking radical though.
This week was full of spending time with my friends, which is something I'd been neglecting a lot lately, so I'm glad I had that. Making new friends is awesome, and I established some things with some people this week that I'm happy about. I also got to see one of the best speaking engagements ever as given by KRS-One, he talked a lot about Newtonian Mechanics and Quantum Physics and God and how they all relate to hip-hop, it was pretty amazing.
This was also one of those weeks when you want really hard to be able to be there for people, but as a dumb kid you have no real way to. I have this problem where I want to be able to be supportive, but I'm so passive aggressive and shy and awkward that I never really know how to be. My great-aunt died this past Friday, which really put a damper on my entire weekend. Knowing how much it upset my grandmother made is a lot worse.
Speaking of family, I think I fully realized how awesome and supportive and generous my family and friends are. I don't think that a person is defined solely by the company he/she keeps, but rather by the strength of the relationships they form. I think the people in my life are the most worthwhile thing I have going for me, if you're reading this, you know who you are, you know I love you, and you don't know how much I really do appreciate everything you do.
Tomorrow I'm going to go back to school, I'm a bit worried that I'm not doing that well. The next month has to be me trying as hard as I possibly can to do as well as I possibly can. April is going to be the month I really try hard to grow up. Holding on to being sixteen, despite what John Mellencamp thinks, probably isn't the best thing for everyone.
I need to make an Easter mix cd for my Easter party. I think it's going to be the following songs, in no order....
Vince Guaraldi Trio - Linus and Lucy Sonic Youth - Do You Believe in Rapture Modest Mouse - Jesus Christ Was An Only Child Nas - The Cross Wilco - Jesus Etc
I used to have a problem with reoccurring nightmares. All of these nightmares revolved around the same man, he was a tall pale man with scraggly who somehow would find his way into my bedroom. For the most part, there were two different dreams.
In one of them, he would strangle me until I managed to push him away long enough to run. I would instinctively run into my parent's room and hide under my bed. While under the bed I always noticed that the TV was on and, fearing he would see the cathode glow, would turn it off. Turning the TV off would make him aware of my location and he'd find and kill me. In the second dream he would have a big western-y coat on and have a pack of dogs with him, I would be hiding somewhere in my room and eventually the dogs would find me, and he'd finish me.
I've gone the last twelve years without having either of these dreams. Last night while lying in bed I looked to my right and saw the face in my closet, I was paralyzed, couldn't make a sound, move a muscle or close my eyes, it just stared me down. When I finally broke the stare I noticed there were rats all at the foot of my bed and threw off my blankets and screamed, at which point the dream ended.
I didn't really fall back to sleep and now I'm nervous.
Sometimes getting back in the saddle and getting off your g-d-f'n high horse are more closely related then you might think. Seeing as it's the new year I've made up some potential living strategies (not resolutions) that will help me in the coming year. I think that maybe I've hit the part of my life where I need to start acting like an adult instead of like whatever I've been acting like. I've been holding fast to 16 but it's getting boring.
I've spent the last three weeks essentially doing nothing, like literally, three weeks of nothing.. During this brief period of purposelessness I came to realize something about myself, as much as I try to pretend that I'm spontaneous and fun and some sort of free spirit little punk rock shit disturber I really just crave consistency and routine, that sucks. I'm sure if super cool super idealistic 15 year old me heard me saying this he'd probably make fun of me and call me a sell out.
Last week the most important band of my teenage years ceased to be. In it's own way, I think this marks a rite of passage for me, we'll see though.
I bought a candle last night, and some toothpaste (it was on sale) and some cough syrup. I feel accomplished, watch out world.
Wishing for the days When I first wore this suit Baby has grown older, It's no longer cute Too many voices They've made me mute Baby has grown ugly, It's no longer cute
But I stay on, I stay on Where do I get off? On to greener pastures The core has gotten soft
Look at us today We've gotten soft and fat Waiting for the moment, It's just no coming back So serious About the stuff we lack Dwell upon our memories But there are no facts