Praised be man, he is existing in milk and living in lillies- And his violin music takes place in milk and creamy emptiness- Praised be the unfolded inside petal flesh of tend'rest thought- (petrels on the follying wave-valleys idly sing themselves asleep)- Praised be delusion, the ripple- Praised be the Holy Ocean of Eternity- Praised be I, writing, dead already & dead again- Dipped in ancid inkl the flamd of T i m the Anglo Oglo Saxon Maneuvers Of Old Poet-o's- Praised be wood, it is milk- Praised be Honey at the Source- Praised be the embrace of soft sleep -the valor of angels in valleys of hell on earth below- Praised be the Non ending- Praised be the lights of earth-man- Praised be the watchers- Praised be my fellow man For dwelling in milk
228th Chorus, from Mexico City Blues, by Jack Kerouac
Whenever it rains I totally lose my motivation to do anything at all, this is especially bothersome when I have days off. Bearing this in mind, I still am hoping to be constructive tomorrow, hopefully to make up for the lack of any real productive behaviour in the past month or so. Gonna do some cleaning, dump some tapes, get rid of some stuff. Everything has to be a big to do.
On Friday Night I set a lot of my body/clothing on fire.
The University of King's College has waitlisted me, silver linings and all. This means I'm not as stupid as I once thought, but it backs up that I'm just about as lazy I thought.
I applied for a job in LA, just sort of as a feeler to see what would happen. Could make for a funny story I guess, country boy in the big city.
I had a lot more to say when I started this, I thought so anyway. Drifting. Some weird dream where I'm the same age as everyone. Something like that. Non sequential blogging. Excited for the summer. Word is bond.
I realize that it's Tuesday night now, but this is a reflection on the events of Saturday April 11, as interpreted by Tuesday night me.
I spent Saturday from the time I woke up until about 4 pm tired, sick and weary of the rain outside. At 4 Alex picked me up to go to Sackville to see every band ever play in what would be one of the more tumultuous life music experiences of my life thus far. There is only so much loud music I can handle at one single time, and after about 3 hours my patience has usually worn thin. This particular show though spanned a whopping 5 hours. Yeah, 5. F-I-V-E. At about 10:30 Amir and I had had about enough of Sackville and decided to forgo our arranged drives and try to catch a bus back into town. Due to some schedule misreading our plain failed, and it became obvious that Sackville was in fact, a vortex, we would be allowed to leave when Sackville saw so fit. By about 11:30 or so we were finally clear for takeoff and booted from bagtown.
Amir and I had our sights set on the Blue Canoe, a haven for cigarettes and cash back. When inside we were met with a party bus, after establishing that we had "legit glasses" one of the aforementioned bus partiers invited us to take a ride on the wild side. We had plans though, and unfortunately had to turn down his offer.
Alex quickly scooted us down the PARAGON THEATRE, where we waited outside in the rain to boogy down at retro night. This was an interesting experience, being my first time inside the Paragon theatre.
CONS of the Paragon:
- We waited seriously like 35 minutes to get inside, most of that time was spent waiting to pay cover, crazy.
-Between the cover and the MANDATORY coat check, I paid $9 to get in, $9. I paid $9 to watch two guys (and this is no discredit to Aaron or Darryl) play music off of their macbooks. I felt a little bit ripped off.
- The Paragon looks weird. None of the renovations really made sense to me. It just seemed like a bunch of walls put up in really impractical places. The Marquee always in my mind stood as the one larger venue in the city short of being like the Cunard Centre or something, the renovations have effectively cut in half the buildings capacity. WEIRD.
PROS of The Paragon Theatre:
- The girl at one of the bars gave me free 7-Up, that is big points in my book.
- Also, all the soda was in decanters, it was super cute.
All of my pros deal with soda. I love soda.
I got home around 2:30. It was the earliest I've been home all week. I was already in a bit of a downer mood and came home to find an empty house. Making it the earliest all week that I've just been by myself. It was the only real point in the entire week that I allowed my constant barrage of distractions to cease, it made me feel pretty alone.
Ah me! Ah me! Fair progeny That many-childed Tethys brought to birth, Fathered of Ocean old Whose sleepless stream is rolled Round the vast shores of earth Look on me! Look upon these chains Wherein I hang fast held On rocks high-pinnacled, My dungeon and my tower of dole, Where o'er the abyss my soul, Sad warder, her unwearied watch sustains!
It's easy to get stuck in life, comfort and safety lead to contentment, which leads to boredom. I never want to be completely content with my life, the day I'm completely at ease will be the day I completely stop caring, hopefully that will never happen.
As it stands though, my contentment trumps my motivation. I think I need something drastic to happen to make me a little bit more desperate for change.
For stealing fire and enlightening man kind, Prometheus was punished to stay bound to a rock in the Caucasus mountains for eternity. Everyday his liver would be eaten by an eagle, only to regenerate before the next day. Prometheus was blessed with the gift of foresight, and new that his chains would one day be broken, he took solace in this knowledge, and the knowledge that nothing lasts forever, no matter who says so.
In that same way, I think it's important for people to remember in times of distress or discontent that all things must some day end, and no situation is beyond repair.
I went to Toronto last weekend, it was fantastic. Spent four days with all my favorite Sydney ex-pats and burned through a crazy amount of money. I was super impressed by Toronto and will be back very soon.
Meanwhile back in this quiet port city, spring is finally upon us. The last two days have been brilliantly mild, in my head I'm already planning out the adventures that April and May have in store.
I'm going to try, at least once, to walk all the way from my house at 6015 Willow street, all the way to Fisherman's Wharf in Eastern Passage, I figure it's probably about a 3 hour walk, which isn't that bad at all.
Side note: After ignoring the Velvet Underground for my entire life, I've finally seen the light. Holy fuck.
There is something sobering about a late winter burst of snow. I've been getting pretty antsy lately, thinking too much and not acting enough, thinking mostly about things that have little to no bearing on the more practical parts of my life.
This is my first blog entry in some time.
In my mind I've been dealing a lot lately with the concept of God, and the place that God occupies in society. I think I've reached a point in my life where I can see without hesitation that I have relinquished the idea of God existing. I don't think that a person can really be an atheist, it isn't a belief system at all, but for arguments sake I suppose it is the most apt terminology. I'm taking this with a grain of salt and hoping it can change my outlook on life.
Scientists can now see galaxies up to 12 billion light years away, that's crazy. Proportionately, everything that I do, fuck, even everything that everyone on the entire planet does is completely inconsequential, yet we continue on and put weight and gravity into things that are mundane and pointless when compared against the big picture. I think that's awesome. Life rules.
This is really weighty and will probably make everyone hate me and I should probably just let it be.
...there is no all-seeing all-loving God who keeps us free from harm. But atheism is not a recipe for despair; I think the opposite. By disclaiming the idea of a next life, we can take more excitement in this one. The here-and-now is not something to be endured before eternal bliss or damnation. The here-and-now is all we have: an inspiration to make the most of it.
So atheism is life-affirming in a way religion can never be. Look around you; nature demands our attention, begs us to explore, to question. Religion can provide only facile, ultimately unsatisfying answers. Science, in constantly seeking real explanations, reveals the true majesty of our world in all its complexity. People sometimes say: there must be more than just this world, just this life.
But how much more do you want?
-Richard Dawkins The Root of All Evil: The Virus of Faith
I decided to go home and visit my family tonight, they've just returned from three weeks in Florida and I haven't seen them since. I do miss people from time to time. The weather wasn't too bad on my way to Cole Harbour, but while there the snow kicked up into a full blown winter storm. My parents were too tired from their trip to want to drive me home, and I didn't really feel like spending the night so I decided to brave the storm and get the bus.
I hate the way suburban homes built in the 80s look. I think that vinyl siding is just the ugliest thing in the entire world, everything looks so sterile. These kind of homes seem so detatched and standardized, no heart in them at all. Things like that make me feel uncomfortable for some reason.
So I walked cold feet and all between the stale suburban architecture, contemplating my place in the universe and the universe's place in me. I was wet and cold and tired, and I just wanted to go home. I missed the bus. ugh. Luckily my sister drove by and offered to drive me to the bridge.
I have a few projects that I want to tackle the next few months around the house. I'm not the most handy or the most crafty person on the face of the planet, so they'll be exciting things to try my hand in!.
1. I NEED TO STAIN A DRESSER
That dresser to be specific, it's in my room. I found it somewhere but can't remember where. I just want to even out the tone a bit, plus I think it would be fun. Maybe something kind of reddishy. I'm also going to line the drawers. Some kind of damask pattern maybe, or get real folky and do like a paisley pattern. LOL.
2. I ALSO NEED TO STAIN A SIDETABLE.
I don't have a picture of it, it's on wheels, I want it to compliment but not match the dresser.
3. BUILD BOOKSHELVES
For the wall in my room between the closet and entrance. Each compartment big enough to hold records. I think nine compartments in total, three high by three wide. They would look very nice and help with my DRASTIC STORAGE PROBLEMS. All my stuff will look great. I'm so great.
4. MAKE SOME THROW PILLOWS
I'm going to need a sewing machine. These pillows will be of varying sizes and colors and patterns.
5. FIX UP MY FUCKING KITCHEN.
Build a shelf above the sink. Get the spice rack/stereo/bookshelf area organized and fixed. Create some more storage space. This is lofty and may not get done.
6. SEW A BLACK FLAG PATCH ON MY JEANS.
This will make up for all the not punk things above.
Strip and refinish the floor in my bedroom. This is a huge investment of time and money. But oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy.
If I get even one of these things done I'll be very very happy.
I had been sick early in the day, and stayed in bed until about 4 pm. Never the less it was Jamie Murray's birthday and had to haul on down to the Boston Pizza to celebrate my friends birthday. It may have been the flu that made me especially tired, or it was the painkillers in combination with the half litre of wine I decided to order, but a $30 meal later and Boston Pizza had me beat. I was unfortunately too tired to make it to Retro Night. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was being on speaker phone at the Almon Street party...
Ryan Allen: "Hey Mike Locke, what's the most offensive word you know?"
I wasn't ready for Mike Locke's response, I don't think any of us were.
When I was in the first grade, we had to keep a journal every day, the journal wasn't much, just usually a picture followed by a loosely thrown together sentence (I was 6). It was with this journal that I for the first time ever outwardly had shown any kind of interest in a girl. I drew a picture which I titled "Me and Ruby holding hands", the picture was in fact myself and a girl from my first grade class holding hands. I remember being teased by my classmates over this entry and in the end I think I scribbled over the entire page to try and hide it. This was my first brush with real embarrassment and would set the tone for the next 14 years of my life. I can trace this one drawing and it's accompanying sentence as the root of all my insecurities when it comes to girls and relationships.
I was still reeling from those two words that Mike Locke had strung together, I almost feel like that one moment was the culmination of all the day's events. Within a few minutes though, I would be happily asleep.
The only thing that holds me back from excelling in life is my own lack of determination and my own fear of failure. I have come to terms with this fact, it weighs me down, makes me feel like shit consistently, and yet still I do nothing to change my station in life.
I am selfish. I feel entitled. I feel as though everything should be handed to me and that for some reason the world is indebted to me. I'm not sure where I get this ideology from, my parents are both motivated hard working people, they raised me to be humble and earnest and to appreciate that value of work.
After a good talk tonight, and much ado about everything, I think I realize that if not to myself, I atleast owe it to my parents to try and make something with what I have been handed, and generally just stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself.
There's no one but me in the streets of my hometown. I've already said too much. I'm all lovesick for endless broken white lines. And I say to all the young wild ones... For you... Yeah on your way up... The world isn't against you, my dear, it just doesn't care.